So this time I'll end with the whining

I appreciate all your comments the other day about my slow weight loss and how I just don't feel that I'm where I should be restriction wise.  I think part of my problem is that I got a taste - excuse the pun - of restriction for a brief period of time and haven't been back there in a long while.  So, I know what I'm supposed to feel and I wasn't eating any differently or doing anything differently or tracking or exercising - I was living my life and losing weight easily.  It was slow, but it was steady and it was what I expected from the band.  But I loosened up and even with a few fills since, I haven't felt that constant restriction.  So I went to the surgeon's office today and have more whining to do.  But I promised that I wouldn't lead with that so I'm going to post some Christmas pictures first so if you want to skip the last part of my post, I'll understand.  I think it's mostly for me to get all my feelings down on paper for myself so I can hopefully move past it.  Because right now I just feel like crying some more, but my daughters are sitting next to me so that would be really awkward. 

This is the white artificial tree we have in our entranceway.  Unfortunately the photo really doesn't show how pretty it is.  The first year we got this we put it in the basement and made it our Disney tree.  Yes, we have enough disney ornaments to cover the entire tree with a Minnie topper.  However, we now decorate in red and gold and put it upstairs.  It fits in perfectly right by our staircase and the garland/lit banister is a nice accent.  (If I do say so myself.  :)

This is our main tree which is real and sits in our family room.  Again, the photo doesn't do it justice, but we put white lights with a ton of multi-colored.  Somehow we ended up picking a smaller tree than usual, but it has nice proportions.  (maybe I subconsciously looked for a tree to represent my wish for a new body?  Hmmmmm...)

This is the angel that I found the first Christmas after my mom passed away.  Here is the link to the post I did about how my mom helped me find it to show she was still looking out for me. 

This is the outside of our house.  Again, the photo kind of sucks.  We have red and white lights on the bushes and around the door (which twinkle) and lighted wreaths in the window.  Usually we have a lighted snowman, deer and santa on our lawn, but the winter wind has been whipping around so much that they just would have toppled over. 

Okay so here is the part where I vent - again.  I had my appointment with my surgeon today and explained what was going on (can eat more than a cup and am hungry sooner than 3 to 4 hours and haven't lost weight) so he put in 1 full cc and had me drink water while he had the needle in.  I took a drink of the water, but it didn't go down.  So he kept taking fluid out until the water went down, which turns out wasn't until .2 less than what I had going in.  WTF!  So then he goes on to tell me that he thinks I'm too tight and that I'm chewing food too much ,which is why I'm not getting that full feeling.  I'm sorry, but that's freaking bullshit!  I am not chewing my food too much.  Now I have .2 less than I had going in and am extremely frustrated.  Maybe the fact that I'm sitting there with a needle in me and already have water sitting from the full cc he put in at first contributes to the water not going down right away.  I'm assuming it takes a bit of time for the band to retract back?  Anyway, right now I feel like just freaking eating everything in sight, gaining weight and going back next month to my surgeon to show him that it was insane to take fluid out.

Okay, okay - don't yell at me.  I know that would be extremely stupid.  I'm talking out my ass cause I'm pissed.  I have another appointment next month and he said if I haven't lost weight he'll do an upper GI to see if there is a slip with the band (which again doesn't make sense to me).  I'm going to ask him if he thinks it's possible that I'm tighter when he's putting the fluid in than after and maybe he should just give me a fill without worrying about the water going down perfectly (he says the water should go down as normal) and see what happens. 

Sigh...I'm just disappointed because I was so hopeful that a fill was what I needed to get me over this hump and now I don't have that to lean on this month.  Then I have no idea what is going to happen next month.  If I kick in the willpower and lose weight without band assistance, will he refuse to do a fill next month?  It's just all a big mess in my mind right now.  I know ultimately the goal is to lose weight no matter what, but if I could lose weight on willpower alone, I wouldn't have had the surgery.